


holding you close

by JustPrettyGay



Series: Kissing Friends [1]
Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: (somewhat? they're so bad at talking), Adam Parrish is Bad at Feelings, Angst with a Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Jealousy, M/M, Nonbinary Adam Parrish, Nonbinary Character, Open Relationships, Relationship Negotiation, Ronan Lynch Loves Adam Parrish, Trans Character, i love suffering, they're fighting and there is a lot of hurt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-25
Updated: 2018-10-25
Packaged: 2019-08-07 14:23:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16410131
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JustPrettyGay/pseuds/JustPrettyGay
Summary: Adam was yelling. They hardly ever yelled at Ronan. They hardly ever yelled at all.They wouldn't be surprised if Ronan would walk away now. Walk back to Gansey, and leave them for good.orSomething about bad communication, bottled up feelings, angry outbursts and jealousy. Adam's quiet for too long and then suddenly very loud, and Ronan is truely sorry.





	holding you close

**Author's Note:**

> So I have this idea that all the raven kids are casually makin out with each other. If ye're interested in more, [here's a tumblr post summarisn all my headcanons.](http://nonbinaryczerny.tumblr.com/post/178648014334/trc-headcanon-kisses)
> 
> Thank you so much to [ananasturtle](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ananasturtle) (also to be found on [twitter](https://twitter.com/Ananasturtle) and [wattpad](https://www.wattpad.com/user/Ananasturtle) ) for beta'in this work n givin me amazin feedback! 
> 
> Enjoy ♡

_[cn: non-graphic discussion of sex]_

 

“Sure, but when I asked about openin our relationship, I thought we'd agreed on checkin up with each other as much as possible. 'nd I do like you n Gansey makin out, but when I said I was okay with that, I didn't mean I was okay with ya guys fucking while I'm gone off to college!”

Adam was yelling. They hardly ever yelled at Ronan. They hardly ever yelled at all. There was so much anger written on their face, and distress in the hardly visible tears they blinked away aggressively.

“You fucking calm down now, Parrish”, Ronan said.  
Parrish. This only made Adam angrier, that Ronan didn't even use their name. Like this didn't even matter.

They didn't say anything more, though, just clenched their fists harder.

“Look. Adam.” Something had changed, something was different about how Ronan said their name this time. “I'm sorry, okay? I should have asked you first, and Jesus, I'm not gonna do it again. We ain't even gonna fucking kiss if that's what you want.”

Adam knew they should just accept this. Apologies didn't come easy with Ronan, and if they came, Ronan meant them.

But Adam was still full of fear and anger and pain, so they didn't.  
They didn't let it go, they wanted something more, albeit they weren't quite sure what that something was.

“What I want”, Adam said, forcing their voice low, “is for this to never have happened.”

Ronan stared right back into Adam's broken features. Maybe he saw the tears and the hurt and the vulnerability. In either case he didn't show.

“You know I can't give you that”, he simply replied, brows furrowed, lips pressed together firmly, eyes a complicated mess.

Something was working inside Ronan, the regret mirrored in his face was almost invisible. If not for the pain and anger clouding their vision, Adam would have been able to trace it along the clenched jaw, able to recognise it in the stern posture, arms crossed slightly too tight.  
Instead, they felt neglected, like Ronan didn't even care. They knew there was no better answer to their request, technically they knew this.

They also knew this: Ronan had offered them a solution, and they had let it slip.  
They didn't say anything of that out loud. They didn't offer a reconciliation. They were letting it slip.

They heard Ronan take in a breath, his smoker's breath, even and deep and calculated. It was only almost breaking.

“Okay”, Ronan said then. “Okay.”

He moved, and was walking towards Adam – no, was not walking towards Adam.

Ronan was leaving.

When Ronan passed Adam, trembling, suffering, dear Adam, he stopped short and admitted in a low, raw voice: “I'm sorry, Adam. I am. Come back when you're ready to fucking accept that.”And then, almost impossible to hear, he added: “I love you.”

And with that, Ronan was gone.

Adam stood there, alone and miserable, staring at the wall of Ronan's childhood bedroom. They were angry, but they weren't even sure whom that anger was directed at. Possibly themself.  
And then they couldn't hold it anymore, and they screamed and punched a fist into Ronan's wardrobe, and then they punched again, and a third time.  
Their knuckles were bruised, but they didn't care.

They stopped.

Breathed in heavily.

Breathed out.

Collapsed on Ronan's bed, crying.

 

***

 

Three days after the fight, Adam's Hondayota pulled up in the driveway of Monmouth Manufacturing.

Adam took a shaky breath, then climbed out of the car and made for the building. As they were walking, their mind couldn't stop thinking the same thoughts over and over again.  
They just hoped Ronan would be there. A part of them hoped he wouldn't.

When they reached the door, they hesitated again, a flash of anxiety making the next step a hard one. Then they knocked and entered, the sight of Gansey crouched over his desk welcoming them.  
“Is Ronan there?”, Adam asked in way of greeting, and Gansey turned and shot them a knowing glance.

“He's in his room”, he answered. “Are you done fighting?”

“I hope so”, Adam replied, voice thin. They stood there in silence for a moment, then made for Ronan's door. Before entering, they paused again.  
Adam could sense that Gansey was looking at them, even-though their back was turned.  
Okay, they thought, and then they said: “I'm sorry, Gansey. I'm just.. I guess...”  
Adam trailed off, letting another moment of silence pass. “Did you take care of him?”

“As well as I could, Adam. I feel like I should be mad at you for hurting him, but then I guess he... we... hurt you pretty badly, too. And now stop lingering here and go make this okay again.”

Adam didn't answer. They just knocked at Ronan's door, waiting for a grunted response, then entered.

“It's you”, Ronan declared matter-of-factly when he met the sight of Adam standing awkwardly in his doorway.

“Yeah, it's me”, Adam answered, and tried for a smile. Ronan was lying on his bed, Chainsaw resting on his chest. He looked miserable, but not significantly more miserable than ever. Adam hoped this was a good sign.

“So, uhm”, Adam began, “you up for a ride?”

Apologies came really hard with them, and Adam prayed that they didn't fuck up bad enough this time for just coming back and acting as if nothing had happened to not work anymore.  
Anxiously they braced themselves, arms clutched over their stomach.

Their prayers were answered.

“Sure, let's go”, Ronan said without further consideration and got up, carefully shifting Chainsaw to sit on his shoulders.

When passing through Gansey's room, they mumbled a swift goodbye. Gansey shot them a relieved grin, then they slipped out of the flat.

They wandered to the car quietly.

 

***

  
“Hey. Ronan.”

It was for Adam to break the silence. They had driven a while now, Ronan's music blasting. It was almost as if nothing had happened.  
Ronan turned the radio off in response.

This all, just taking him for a drive, just letting the assumption of everything being okay become the reality of everything being okay, would probably have sufficed as an apology. It usually did, that was how they worked after all.

And yet, Adam still felt the need to push further. Whether that was to feel less bad about themself, or to prevent further damage they couldn't tell.

“You probably figured already, but I ain't mad at you no more. Not really, that is”, they began, “I'm sorry. I shouldn't've reacted, the way I did back then.

I should'nt've.”

A pause.

“I mean, I still think you fucked up n all, n I was right to be mad at ya. I just think I should've actually listened to you.”

Now that they had started, it felt hard to stop. There were breaks woven through their monologue, breaks quite long, but Ronan let them be. Adam's voice was quivering ever so slightly, and anxiety filled their lungs. It was hard forcing those words out, but it was harder to keep them.

“Actually I still might be a bit mad at you. I probably shouldn't, I mean. It's just... I'm scared of losin you.”

Another pause.

“I think it was maybe my fault, too.”

Quiet.

“I guess what I'm tryna get at is that communication works both ways and we're both doin a pretty good job at failin?

It just's really difficult to talk about shit for me. Should probably just've, like, talked about my feelins earlier n all”

Not a pause this time. Ronan didn't let room for it to become one.

“Adam, it's okay”, he said in a hoarse voice. “We're fine, and now fuckin stop explaining yourself like a total fool.”

He didn't say thank you, but Adam knew he meant it.

Silence lingered around them again.

Adam's heart was still beating a bit too fast, their stomach still antsy. Only now did their attention shift to realise they had nervously bitten down their lips.

The mood was heavy still. Not dangerous, not angry. Not looming, either, not tense. Just.. heavy.

“And”, Adam tried again, “you don't need stop kissing Gansey.”  
They said it with a smile, trying for light-hearted, throwing in a shade of cheerfulness. It was an offer and a promise both.

“Neither do you”, Ronan replied, accepting it – whatever “it” was now. Then he added with smirk, “I'm sure Gansey's gonna appreciate it.”

“Well, naturally so, now that he's not in a monogamous relationship with Glendower anymore, he's gotta make up for waistin all that time on some dead kingly bones.”

Ronan barked out a laughter, and Adam felt incredibly grateful. Their lips formed a soft smile as they threw Ronan, beautiful Ronan, a glance.

“You also can keep havin sex with him”, Adam allowed then, feeling a bit bad for getting back on that topic again, but they also felt it must be said. They stuck with an easy tone, too, letting it seem like a light-hearted offhand-comment rather then the serious, weight-carrying admission it was.

“So do you”, Ronan replied in the same manner he did before.

“You say that like we ever had sex in the first place”, Adam defensively said, but a playful defensive it was. They were glad Ronan didn't let the blithely atmosphere slip, didn't make their words into what they actually were.

“Can't be Gansey's fault, though, he'd definitely be interested.”

“Ronan, it's not like bare interest is what gets people to fuck – we just never really found ourselves in a place to. And it's not like either of us is so needy as to purposefully initiate it. Would be a really weird thing to do in any case, don't you think?”

“Yeah, whatever”, Ronan dismissed, “if you ever do decide to hook up, though, just give me a call, I'd love to watch you being awkward messes together.”

“Ronan!”, Adam exclaimed, blushing a little, and punched Ronan's arm in a not-totally-serious manner.

Ronan just scoffed.

“Where are we headed, anyway?”, Adam asked. They felt like it was time for a destination.

“Anything particular you have in mind?”

“No.”

“Just the Barns, then. It's time to go home”, Ronan decided, a gentle fondness in his rough voice.

“I like that”, Adam replied.

Now this was what winter holidays were supposed to be like. Adam smiled softly.

This was what they came here for.

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> i just want ye tae know i'm sorry but they're okay there ain't no need tae worry
> 
> if you encountered any mistakes or have any advise as to what i could do better, lemme know!


End file.
